[stream] by Scott Manley Hadley

Content warning: suicide

so i’m looking back on this relationship that ended just over a month ago, maybe less, and my friends are telling me that it’s for the best that she dumped me, that i’ll be happier out of it, that i’ll be a better and more successful person without her because now i’ll be able to – no, now i’ll be forced to prioritise myself and my needs, and i understand them when they say that a lot of bad things happened; it’s true and we were unhappy and unhealthy for a long time, but the thing other people don’t see is the pleasant and peaceful times and, yeah, we used to get wasted and argue in public and i used to cry and have panic attacks all the time and we used to only have sex if we’d both taken cocaine and we were not – no, i was not, by the end – much of a partyboy, and it’s easy to look back and see the bad bits and i have to look back and see the bad bits because i need to get over it and not sentimentalise it because how can i move on with my life if i’m still thinking about the good bits, and i think it’s a problem that all my friends – even fucking really old friends i haven’t seen for years – it’s a bit of a problem that all these friends are being nice to me and telling me i’m a good person who people care about because that isn’t how i’ve felt for a long time, and she said to me once when i was depressed and about to cry don’t do that, my friend’s coming over soon and everyone i told this to said that’s a bad thing to say, that’s a bad thing to say and i was having this massive breakdown when she broke up with me and she wasn’t helping me, and when she did break up with me, i was going to kill myself and my friends took me to a hospital because they didn’t trust me, and they watched me 24/7 for over a week because they thought i would kill myself but i didn’t, and when i went back to the house i’d shared with her for the first time after she’d dumped me, for the first time since I got out of hospital, she’d left a note for me saying please please please call me, i love you and even though now, a month later, after all these conversations i’ve had with people about how my emotions didn’t matter to her and how she broke up with me while i was having a breakdown, it isn’t the time she said don’t cry, my friend is coming over, it’s the time she wrote please please please call me, i love you that i keep remembering, and it’s the wrong one to focus on because there is nothing good left there, even if she did love me it wasn’t a love that contained any care, and i don’t think that love without care even is love, but she wrote that note, she put in writing that she loved me even after she’d rejected me and, and, and i feel freer being away from her, but i still want to go, i still want to go, i still want to go home –

Scott Manley Hadley

Scott Manley Hadley's debut poetry collection, Bad Boy Poet, is published by Open Pen and is available now from many good bookstores. You can follow Scott on his website, Twitter @Scott_Hadley, and Instagram @scottancubby. Scott blogs at triumphofthenow.com.

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