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by Scott Hadley

Content warning: suicide

so i’m looking back on this relationship that ended just over a month ago, maybe less, and my friends are telling me that it’s for the best that she dumped me, that i’ll be happier out of it, that i’ll be a better and more successful person without her because now i’ll be able to – no, now i’ll be forced to prioritise myself and my needs, and i understand them when they say that a lot of bad things happened; it’s true and we were unhappy and unhealthy for a long time, but the thing other people don’t see is the pleasant and peaceful times and, yeah, we used to get wasted and argue in public and i used to cry and have panic attacks all the time and we used to only have sex if we’d both taken cocaine and we were not – no, i was not, by the end – much of a partyboy, and it’s easy to look back and see the bad bits and i have to look back and see the bad bits because i need to get over it and not sentimentalise it because how can i move on with my life if i’m still thinking about the good bits, and i think it’s a problem that all my friends – even fucking really old friends i haven’t seen for years – it’s a bit of a problem that all these friends are being nice to me and telling me i’m a good person who people care about because that isn’t how i’ve felt for a long time, and she said to me once when i was depressed and about to cry don’t do that, my friend’s coming over soon and everyone i told this to said that’s a bad thing to say, that’s a bad thing to say and i was having this massive breakdown when she broke up with me and she wasn’t helping me, and when she did break up with me, i was going to kill myself and my friends took me to a hospital because they didn’t trust me, and they watched me 24/7 for over a week because they thought i would kill myself but i didn’t, and when i went back to the house i’d shared with her for the first time after she’d dumped me, for the first time since I got out of hospital, she’d left a note for me saying please please please call me, i love you and even though now, a month later, after all these conversations i’ve had with people about how my emotions didn’t matter to her and how she broke up with me while i was having a breakdown, it isn’t the time she said don’t cry, my friend is coming over, it’s the time she wrote please please please call me, i love you that i keep remembering, and it’s the wrong one to focus on because there is nothing good left there, even if she did love me it wasn’t a love that contained any care, and i don’t think that love without care even is love, but she wrote that note, she put in writing that she loved me even after she’d rejected me and, and, and i feel freer being away from her, but i still want to go, i still want to go, i still want to go home –

Scott Manley Hadley‘s debut poetry collection, Bad Boy Poet, is published by Open Pen and is available now from many good bookstores. You can follow Scott on his website, Twitter @Scott_Hadley, and Instagram @scottancubby. Scott blogs at triumphofthenow.com.